moving.

there's definitely not trails like this in d.c.

ever since we've moved to colorado there have been times that i desperately miss d.c..  usually those times are random - a weekend night when i wish we were BBQing with family, a perfect sunny june day when i think 'wow this is perfect beach weather', or when we make a trip back to d.c. and have to split a week between our two families.  

it's not the normal times when you would think i would miss them - holidays, birthdays, or when you could just use an extra hand around to watch the dogs or help us juggle something.  i love spending my holidays with charlie.  we celebrate exactly the way we want to, avoid any family drama that i have no desire to be apart of, and frankly i love my time alone with him.  

after avery was born i started thinking how it would be nice to have family around.  not in the 'hey we're next-door-neighbors' sort of way, but in the 'see you every few weeks' sort of way.  i want her to know her grandparents, and aunts and uncle, and cousins.  our families are pretty small, but in a way that makes it even more important for her to know them.  and it's hard to build relationships like that when you're 1,500 miles away.  sure there's phone calls and video chats and visits, and i do believe that if everyone makes an effort you can maintain good relationships, but it is different.  it also doesn't help that in the past year all of the friends that charlie and i met in colorado moved back to where they came from.  colorado is truly a state of transients.  aside from jobs, the rocky mountains, and a great lifestyle there isn't a lot keeping us in colorado.  although those are pretty big factors. 

so the question now is, do we stay in colorado and use our vacation time to see family or do we move back to d.c.?  it would be a lot easier to answer if a. d.c. wasn't so crowded, expensive, and busy or b. we didn't love it so much in colorado.  career-wise it's probably a better move for charlie.  the d.c. market is far bigger than what denver will ever be, however it's not like the move is a promotion for him or staying in colorado would be detrimental to his career.  for me, i'm better off staying in denver since i have no job prospects in d.c..  

i wonder if we move back to d.c. the lure of family will be enough or if all of the reasons that we left in the first place will start to slowly drive me crazy.  will sitting in constant traffic make us both angry people?  will we miss how friendly and laid back everyone is out here? will we never go hiking again because it's too crowded and/or far away (and lets be honest, you can't compare the appalachian mountains to the rockies)?  will i never find a job as flexible as my current job forcing me to lose time with my family which would defeat the whole purpose of moving?  will beltway traffic make us not want to make the drive to see either family?  will we miss how dog friendly it is out here (something that's definitely a factor with 2 huge dogs)? 

i could go on.  and i do in my head. usually when i'm trying to fall immediately asleep because i only have 3 hours before avery wakes up again.  

on the other hand, there are the reasons to move.  we really will see our families more often.  we'll actually have people to invite to avery's first birthday.  we can vacation with 1.2 million other people at the beach.  avery will actually know her cousins, and grandparents, and aunts and uncles.  we'll have people around to help us if she's sick and we both have to work or if charlie and i actually want to go out to dinner alone.  if we stay, we're pretty much limited to early dinners with avery until she's old enough to stay by herself alone because there's no way i'm leaving her with a stranger.  

and then there's all of the little things.  things that should have no bearing on our decision to move, but things i can't help thinking about.  the cost of moving.  it's huge.  huge.  we've worked really hard to save money in the past few years and moving would take a pretty big chunk out of all of that.  there's the cost of breaking our lease, the cost of hiring movers, renting a truck, gas money for the truck and cars (which i grossly underestimated when we moved out here), either deposits on an apartment (huge waste of money) or a down payment on a house (less of a waste of money but much more permanent than an apartment), oh and the factor that i won't have an income for an undetermined period of time.  there's also the pain of finding a place to live.  the fact that we have 4 animals.  yes dad, i know i did this to myself, and frankly no one is going to rent to someone with that many animals.  and there's also this factor that by moving and being unemployed i'll have more time to spend with avery instead of shipping her off to daycare right away (stupid i know, but still something i think about).  

charlie and i have set a deadline of february 13 to make a decision.  until then i'll continue to wake up every day and lean towards the opposite decision that i had made the day before.  

work.

i have about 2 weeks before i start back to work and i'm not at all ready for it. when i think of dropping my baby off at daycare i start crying, which is one of the reasons that i try not to think about it so much.  i have sort of irrational worries that when she's there she'll be crying and no one will pick her up for hours, or she'll be hungry and they won't feed her or change her, etc..  when i'm thinking logically i know that we chose a good place with a good reputation and good people.  however, when i think about the ratio of 4 babies to 1 adult i know that there will be times that she doesn't get her needs met since there's really no possible way for 1 person to attend to 4 kids at once.  

i know that i really have no choice and i need to just stuck it up and make the best of it, but i haven't quite gotten to that point yet.  

i haven't started pumping and honestly the only reason why is that i'm sort of in denial that i won't be able to be the person to always feed her.  i'm also a little worried that once she starts taking a bottle she'll want that exclusively which would sort of break my heart since i absolutely love feeding her.  also, i would really like to make it a year of exclusively breast feeding and i know if she decides to only take bottles it would make this a pretty difficult goal.

i'm also not in love with my job. i know, who is, but it makes it harder knowing that i'll be sitting in a cubicle doing boring work and counting down the hours until i can pick her up.  i realized this could be partially resolved by finding a job that i'm actually passionate about but i don't really know if this even exists.  i think work will always just be work to me.  i got an email from my boss a few days ago and it just reminded me of how boring my job really is.  

mostly though, i just don't want to go back because i know that i'll miss her like crazy.  i mean i miss her now when she's sleeping.  i wake up in the middle of the night before she does and look forward to her waking up so that i can hold her.  making it 8 hours a day is going to be hard when 4 hours when i'm sleeping is about my max right now.  

i know i should focus on the positive things, like the fact that i have a job, i'm going back part time at first and therefore the transition should be easier, and she should only be in daycare 3 days a week.  i just wish my time off wasn't going by so fast and even though it has, she still seems like such a tiny baby to me, which makes it harder to imagine dropping her off with strangers for an entire day.

avery's room.

i figure now that she's a month old it's about time to take pictures of her room.

we finished this a while ago, and since we're renting there was no painting or construction involved.

that being said, i probably spent more time on this room than any other in our home and since we'll probably be moving somewhere this year, although we have no idea where yet, i figured i should take some pictures of her first room before it was too late.  

i'm not really a fan of matching furniture which worked out well since the we had so much random furniture that we needed to find a place for.

the room is a funky shape and pretty much only has one wall where there's enough room for furniture.  we managed to fit the crib and dresser on the wall with just enough room left over for a hamper and trash can.

the moose found a home over the crib.  i had other plans for something there but i couldn't figure out where else to put the moose. she hasn't slept in the crib at night yet, but she's taken quite a few naps there when she decides that she'll actually sleep somewhere other than my arms or the swing.

we decided against a bedding set since i knew we would never use most of it and instead just bought a few sheets.  don't look too close at the bed skirt, it's a mess but it's hard making a skirt for those cribs!

the chair is a rocking chair and as much as i insisted we didn't need one i'm glad we got one.  i spend a lot of time in that chair and she really does love being rocked.  obviously ollie is a fan of the chair, too.  he usually tries to jump into my lap when i'm rocking her.  i think he misses all the time he used to sleep in my lap before she came around.

the dresser is huge and holds pretty much everything she needs.  the changing pad on top is one of her favorite places.  she loves to lay there and look at all the pictures on the wall.  we threw a 'travel changing pad' on top of the fabric cover because whoever decided that fabric covers were a good idea was obviously trying to sell a lot of them.  the lamp on the table is from when i was a kid and has seashells from the outer banks.  and the green container holds everything we need to change her. 

i love the burts bees stuff.  the body wash and lotion smell great and aren't too greasy.

the mishmash of frames is my favorite.  i'm sure i'll be switching pictures out as she grows older, but for now i quite like them.  avery likes them too and spends a lot of time staring at them.  

i mod podged scrapbook paper onto the "L" and the "k is for kite" was a free download.

the love frame still needs more pictures of her in it, but the middle picture is the card that charlie got me for christmas.  the picture next to that is supposed to be a dog pulling a kid on a sled.  appropriate for a winter baby with 2 dogs.

charlie insisted on buying the avery brewery sign after we stopped in there on his birthday.  i don't know how i never noticed their beer before but now i see it everywhere.  the frame below is one of my favorite dog quotes with a picture of henry.  he's gotten over his initial jealousy and is now more interested in her than anyone else.  i think he's hoping she'll grow up fast and become another playmate.



this is probably my favorite.  i had plans to paint the lyrics on a big canvas and hang that over the crib, but the moose stole that space.  maybe someday, but until then i knew they had to go somewhere.  bob dylan really knew what he was talking about.

the weird corner ended up with the chair which has been pretty useful.  the container underneath holds board books and a stuffed animal that henry has finally realized is not a toy for him.



the bookshelf holds lots of books (obviously) and i love having a bunch to choose from when we read to her every night.  the baskets hold blankets and larger clothes and someday i'll figure out a way to hang the mobile that's sitting on top.

"cleaning and scrubbing can wait 'till tomorrow,

for babies grow up,

we've learned to our sorrow.

so settle down cobwebs.

dust go to sleep.

i'm rocking my baby,

and babies dont' keep."  

it's the little things ...

...  rocking a sleepy baby.

...  a house that smells like coffee.

...  spending an entire snowy wednesday cuddling with avery after being up all night.

...  charlie grilling.

...  the amount of money we've saved by eating at home for every meal.

...  charlie's blueberry pancakes on a saturday morning.

...  watching the broncos in the playoffs (even if they didn't win).

...  an afternoon nap with avery and ollie.

...  walks in the middle of the day with avery and the dogs.

...  laundry and cleaning in the middle of the week.

...  warm january weather.

...  when charlie changes the diaper at 3 am. 

...  the nights when we give avery a bath.

...  bert's bees baby wash and lotion.

...  weekly video chats with family.
...  how happy avery is in the morning.

...  buying things with gift cards.

...  reading a book while feeding the baby.

...  days when i manage to shower, clean, do laundry, go for a walk, and have something for dinner.

...  watching a sleeping baby.

...  when it takes less than 20 minutes to get avery to sleep.
... the 72 hour sale at sprouts.
...  valentines day coming up.
...  clean sheets.
...  small baby clothes = lots of clothes in one load of laundry.
...  baby smiles.

avery's first month.

wow.  i cannot believe it's been an entire month since she was born.  on one hand it seems like the time is flying by way too fast.  how can i possibly be going back to work in 3 weeks? and on the other hand it seems like she's been a part of our lives forever.  

8 days old

as much as she's still a tiny, little newborn i feel like she's gotten so big this month!  when i look back at pictures from the first week or two she looks so much smaller than she is now.  being slightly obsessed with taking pictures of her has definitely paid off when looking at how much she's changed during this month.  

pretty sure there's nothing cuter than baby yawns.

she's definitely chunking up and now is sporting a double chin, rolls on her arms and legs, a small potbelly, and chunky fingers and toes.  when i look at how skinny her arms and legs were when she was first born it makes me feel good to see that she's gaining weight.  

she's so much more alert now than she used to be.  her pediatrician even pointed this out at her two week appointment.  i think he was impressed at how calm and awake she was.  she loves to stare at the pictures on the wall.  the ones behind the couch are  a definite favorite and she'll happily sit in our laps and stare at the pictures (i like to pretend that she's staring at henry) for half an hour or so, depending on how happy she is.  she also loves the ones on the wall in her room, which comes in pretty handy when we're changing her.  she's stopped screaming during diaper changes and now calms down if she's upset as soon as we lay her on the changing pad.  she's also much more interested in us now and will turn her head whenever we start talking to her.  she loves to make eye contact and would win any starting contest with either of us.  i think she has the prettiest eyes (this is no surprise because i also think she's the cutest baby) and hope that they stay blue although i have a feeling they'll probably change to hazel over time.

hanging out with ollie.

during her first month she's met both sets of grandparents, one aunt, and some friends.  she's been to the mall, the grocery store, the vet a few times, multiple walks with the dogs, and with us as we've started the house hunting process.  she loves the stroller and the car, which have been great when we've been running errands.  i've taken her on walks several times just to get her to nap when everything else has failed and i know she needs a good nap.  unfortunately she hasn't continued those in the house, but it's nice to know if she's upset or tired that a walk will put her to sleep about a minute.  the dogs have been great with the stroller and although we look a little crazy and take up the entire sidewalk it's been great to get outside with both her and the pups.  

her umbilical cord fell off after about a week and a half and since then we've been giving her baths every other night.  she hated the sponge baths (i think she got too cold) but has loved the 'real' baths.  if she's upset they've calmed her down and they seem to help her fall asleep afterwards.  she's not a fan of getting out of the baths.  she gets too cold and will start to shake, but once she's warm again she's a pretty happy girl.  

getting ready for a walk.

as far as eating goes she's not the pig that i was as a baby.  her eating sessions are much shorter than the recommended average but when she's done she makes it clear that she doesn't want any more.  she'll make the funniest faces, my favorite is this fake gag that she'll do when i suggest that she's not quite done.  the doctor wasn't worried about her shorter sessions since her weight gain was fine and said that she was probably just a very efficient eater.  i'm still waking her up to eat during the day so that she doesn't go longer than 3 hours without a meal.  during the night i'll let her sleep as long as she wants which is usually about 3 hours although we've had a few 4 and 5 hour stretches which were amazing.

pretty sure she'll never be a big baby but she's definitely growing.

at night she's sleeping in her cosleeper next to our bed.  this has been great for the both of us.  i don't worry about her since she's right next to me and i can hear her wake up and feed her before she gets really upset.  it's also allowed me to get more rest since i just bring her into bed with us to feed her.  during the day her naps aren't very consistent.  she's still sleeping much more than a morning and afternoon nap.  some days she'll sleep really well on her own, usually swaddled in her crib. other days i can't get her to fall asleep anywhere but in my arms.  the moby wrap has been a lifesaver during those times.  it lets her sleep and lets me get things done around the house.  she likes the moby much better than the bjorn although i've used both.  the moby is great, but i like the bjorn for the ease of getting her in and out which is great when we're out running around.  

she loves being rocked in the rocking chair and swaddled when she sleeps.  we've been reading her books before bedtime and naptime and i think i've pretty much memorized oh, the places you'll go which is charlie's favorite to read and hear and what he always picks to read or listen to.  i've heard him read it to her 3 times in a row before when he's trying to get her to fall asleep.  

i have loved this month so much and am so grateful that i've been able to spend every minute with her.  i can't wait to see how big she gets over the next few months although i hope the time doesn't fly by too fast.  there's nothing i love more than cuddling her in my arms and i'm definitely not looking forward to the day when she thinks she's too big for that.  

   

lately...

... i have been loving all of this time with avery.  we've been lucky that charlie's been able to spend so much time with us even though he's working again.  since he mostly works from home even though he was back to work last week he was still around all week and this monday was actually the first day he wasn't around.

...  i am amazed at how much of my time is spent just taking care of her and picking up messes that seem to follow me every room we go.  if i manage to get a load or two of laundry done and cook dinner then i consider it a very productive day.

...  her napping schedule has been all over the place which makes it hard to plan things.  she'll almost always sleep if she's in the car or out on a walk but i sometimes wish she would sleep more in the house so i could get things done around there.  the moby wrap has been a lifesaver for getting anything done around the house.  even if she's not sleeping in it she's pretty content in it which lets me get some things done.  if i never had to get anything done i'd be content just to watch her sleep all day long.   

...  she's been getting out of her swaddle at night between feedings and then uses her hands to smack herself in the face and wake herself up.  i'd stop swaddling her but anytime i put her down unswaddled she wakes up in about 10 minutes.  this has meant that i don't get a lot of sleep at night.

...  we've been talking lots of walks with the dogs whenever the weather is warm enough.  she loves the stroller and the dogs love walking.  

...  i've been drinking a lot of hot chocolate.

...  i'm dreading going back to work.  i try not to think about it too much.

...  we've been reading oh, the places you'll go about 4 times a day.