Wednesday, January 20, 2016

grace.

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i decided back in december that i wasn't making any resolutions this year.  if i've learned anything it's that introducing a new baby to our family is resolution enough for both me and our family.  and in light of that i wanted to be respectful of the fact that 2016 would just be a big transition year for our family and that it was okay just to focus on finding our new normal, meeting everyones needs, and making sure we felt good about how we spent our days.  there will be a time for trying new recipes, doing big things, taking vacations, and finding more time for myself but i know that this year is not that.  survival with a big helping of grace is my goal for this year and i hope that i find a way to remember that every day.  i love staying at home with my kids, i love being a mother, and i love our family but i could definitely find some more grace for everyone in our family as we go throughout our days, and especially when this next baby joins us.  adding ellie to our family was not a cakewalk.  it was really, really hard.  she was a hard baby and basically took every ounce of my attention which meant that at the end of the day i felt guilty for not spending enough time with avery, for our messy house, for feeding us grilled cheese for dinner (again), for counting the minutes to bedtime, and for having zero energy and time left for me and charlie at the end of the day.  

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i'm mentally preparing for the same situation this time around, while hoping for a slightly easier going baby, too.  but i'm hoping that if it is just as hard (or harder) this time, that i remember that it's okay.  that these times will pass and that what matters is not what we accomplished at the end of the day but that we all treated each other well and that everyone goes to bed feeling loved.  

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so, i'm making 2016 about "grace" and hoping to grant everyone a big slice of it. 

... grace for the messes that avery leaves all over the house.  she has a habit of playing with all the things, all the time, in all the rooms.  but she's playing, she's learning, she's occupying herself, and she's learning to clean up after herself. 
...  grace for the two year old that needs to be held at the most inconvenient times, and gets frustrated at me and at her sister, and at herself.  she's two.  she's learning.  she needs a hug, and a tissue, and for me to sit for a minute and read her a book.  
...  grace for the two year old, again, when she cannot sleep.  she's not a good sleeper.  she's never been a good sleeper.  one day she will sleep.  i must remember that this is hard for her, too.  
...  grace for myself.  i need some time to myself.  not much, but a walk in the mornings, a hot shower, and a cup of tea (or soon beer!) at night make me much more able to take care of everyone else. 
...  grace for the dog because he's a puppy for goodness sake and he's going to chew things and he needs exercise and he's learning and trying, too.     
...  grace for the times when it seems like avery and ellie cannot play well together for even 30 seconds.  they're both learning and figuring out how to play with each other, what is acceptable and what isn't, and how to stand up for themselves.  it's a process and sometimes it's a messy one.  
...  grace for my husband.  he works hard.  he needs time for himself, too.  and he is a great dad.  i am so glad he's the one holding my hand at the end of the day.  and we both could use some time together, without the kids, whether it's brunch or a fire after the kids have gone to bed or falling asleep while watching modern family.  
...  grace during those morning hours when everyone is crying and upset because they're hungry and whiny and not happy with whatever breakfast is being served.  it will all get better once they eat and i get some coffee.  
...  grace for the messes that will inevitably pile up:  the dishes in the sink, the bathrooms that need cleaning, and the laundry piles that seem impossible to fold at times.  they do drive me crazy but they also mean that i was spending my time taking care of the people that matter most.  the messes are worth it.  and they will all get cleaned up eventually.  
...  grace for the newborn baby that is coming soon and will probably cry for no reason, want to be fed 12-14 times a day, have a hard time sleeping, be woken up by our loud house, need a million diaper changes, and steal countless hours of sleep from us.  because it's a newborn, you know.  and really, we are the luckiest to be adding a new person to our family who we get to learn about and teach things and watch grow up.  and we know just how fast that time flies, even when there is a lot of crying involved.  

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so here's to 2016. i'm hoping it's filled with lots of hugs, "i love yous", and spontaneous kisses.  i hope that my kids know how much i love them and how much they love each other at the end of each day.  i hope that we read lots of books, play outside a lot, grow a tiny garden, make messes and learn more about each other.  and i hope we remember every day just how lucky we are.     

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

the calm before the baby.

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it seems like we're slowly returning to normal around here after the holiday and birthday season at our house.  i hesitate to say this because i know that 'normal' is about to change again with the addition of a new baby.  so maybe instead we're just enjoying the last bit of time we have as a family of four while i make endless lists of things to do, to bake, to buy, to organize before baby.  i know that really none of these things will matter and as long as i manage to wash the newborn clothes we have, and buy a few packs of diapers we'll be fine, but i can't stop thinking about all of the things i should do now before this baby comes to make our lives easier.  most of them revolve around food:  freezer dinners, lists of easy to make dinners, frozen breakfast cookies, and a freezer stocked with some bison and frozen fruit.  honestly, smoothies and coffee are my food essentials and i could easily survive off of those and peanut butter sandwiches, but having kids makes me feel like i should provide them with a bit more throughout the day.  there's something about ending the evening with a hot, home cooked meal (even if it was prepared a month in advance) that makes me feel like i've accomplished something.  and so i keep making lists of things i need to cook and freeze.  

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there are endless things that i want to organize:  the garage, the storage area in our basement, all of the kids toys and books that seem to multiply at an alarming rate.  i cleaned out our toy situation before christmas and it doesn't even seem like we have that much but they seem to be experts at getting out every toy we possibly own, especially the ones with a million pieces, and relocating all of the pieces throughout the house.  at the end of the day the legos haven't actually been used but i can find them in four different rooms of the house.  avery is getting just slightly better about actually cleaning up after herself.  she won't do it without a lot of prompting and whining but she is actually capable of putting toys back where they go.  ellie is actually fantastic at this.  she would make a great engineer someday because the kid loves order and cannot move onto something else until her original mess is picked up.  quiet time and bedtime don't happen until everything is back in its place and often when i call her to lunch or dinner she'll tell me "in a minute, i have to put back" and then she'll actually clean up and put things away.  i love it.

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   i feel like i should mention that we had a great christmas.  i always have dreamy expectations of the holiday: my kids thoughtfully, and slowly unwrapping presents and then playing with them for hours while charlie and i drink endless cups of hot coffee, and then later sitting down to a delicious candlelit dinner that lasts more than 15 minutes.  but honestly it was pretty great.  the kids have loads of thoughtful family members who manage to ship gifts out to them in time for the holiday (a skill i have yet to master unless it involves ordering something directly from amazon prime) and had lots to open in addition to the gifts we got them.  i actually managed to stuff stockings this year, which were filled with fairly practical things and the kids 'big' gifts from us were a big hit and they have really enjoyed them.  the theme of this years christmas was definitely frozen, and they now have dolls, blankets, toys, and books that are filled with the world of elsa and anna.  after opening presents we made french toast, which everyone enjoyed and the kids did spend a lot of time playing with their new presents.  we made a turkey, mashed potatoes, and green beans for dinner and did light a candle although i'm pretty sure ellie didn't even sit down at the table that night and took zero bites of the dinner i worked so hard to make.  we also got to FaceTime with almost everyone back east that day, which was nice for the kids and us!  being super pregnant i definitely enjoyed the low key christmas and i would actually really like to make it a tradition to not travel anywhere on christmas day, but instead to just enjoy the company of our family and some good food, too.