staying at home.

there are so many thoughts i have swirling around in my head about staying at home with my kiddos so i'm sure this will be a jumbled mess but i wanted to at least attempt to get this all down in one place.  i've actually talked a bit about making the choice to stay at home before both here and here, but my story is that when avery was born i transitioned into a work-at-home mom when daycare didn't work out for us.  i worked part time, 4 days a week and it was amazing and crazy and rewarding and hard.  when she was a baby it was really, really easy.  and then as she got older things got harder.  i had 3+ hour conference calls at times, deadlines, and i felt the need to be available all the time even when i wasn't working.  getting work done was hard enough with a crazy toddler but talking on the phone was nearly impossible.  she would scream and cry and it was impossible to have a productive phone call, not to mention really unprofessional, so i started giving her the iPad when i knew i had a long call to make.  and then she started associating my phone ringing with her getting the iPad.  basically, to sum up, things were going to have to change.  i was either going to need to send her to daycare or quit my job.  when i got pregnant with ellie it was sort of assumed between charlie and i that i would quit because my salary wouldn't have covered two kids in daycare while i was working part-time and i couldn't really do my job at a full-time capacity and raise kids at the same time.  i would have had to be traveling at least once a month which would have been impossible to work out with charlie's schedule.  so based on everything i made the decision to quit once ellie was born and stay home for a while.  and honestly, i was really excited about it.  

when ellie was born the first month was a blur of christmas time, newborn sleepy snuggles, and crafting and coloring with avery in front of a christmas tree.  basically, it was awesome and amazing. we had family visit. charlie wasn't traveling for work that month and we had a ton of family time.  and then after christmas is when things started to get hard.  ellie was moving out of that sleep-all-day-and-night stage and starting to scream a lot, charlie was back to traveling, it was january and cold, and if i'm being honest i probably had a smidge of the baby blues, although i didn't really figure this out until later.  taking care of these two beings was a lot of work.  a lot.  before ellie was born i sort of figured that adding an extra baby would be the same amout of 'work' that my job was.  that was a joke.  babies are not jobs.  babies don't let you clock out at the end of the day, bosses doesn't scream constantly for unknown reasons (well, none that i've had), and work just isn't a 24/7 thing.  so adding ellie was hard during months 2 and 3.  she cried a lot.  she only slept in the moby wrap.  oh and we were all sick, like all winter long.  i felt like a shit parent to avery, i was tired, charlie was gone a lot, and i could not for the life of me figure out how to make dinner, bathe two kids, and shower without ellie losing her mind.  we ate a lot of annie's pot pies.  but then sometime in mid march we sort of hit our stride.  charlie was gone for a long trip but all of a sudden it was just fine.  we ate halfway homemade meals, ellie didn't cry as much, and i felt like i was actually interacting with my toddler in a positive way.  win!

since then things have really just gotten better and better.  i still grossly underestimated the amount of time that i would spend taking care of the kids.  i had this picture in my mind that the house would be clean, the grocery shopping would be done, the kids would be happy, we would do some homeschooling stuff, and i would start a garden this year.  and in reality, the house is pretty clean because both charlie and i do a lot on the weekends, the grocery shopping is done, the kids are pretty darn happy, we haven't done any homeschooling stuff, and we planted two tomato plants in pots.  BUT i am really happy.  i am exactly where i want to be and doing what i want to be doing.  i am forever grateful that it's been me holding that crying baby for months and not someone else.  i love being at home with my kids and i think just how lucky i am each and every day that i've been given this opportunity.  i love our family and i know that if i was working i would be spending all of my time at work wishing i was with my kids.  i love this current gig of mine.  i love that i get to watch avery go up and down the stairs for half an hour because she just figured out how to do it and is so darn proud of herself.  i love putting them down for their naps and running errands with them.  i am so thankful that i get to be the one to scoop ellie up when she's crying.  it isn't always happy or pretty, but it is always where i want to be.  

moments.

when i was pregnant with ellie and was just finishing up work i was a little apprehensive about how i would fill my days without work.  my work from home gig was really more of a working remotely gig.  i had set hours, conference calls, etc., etc., and had to sort of parent and take care of avery around my work schedule.  it was definitely flexible but i didn't make my own schedule and i couldn't dictate when and how things happened.  all that being said work filled a lot of my days and gave them a purpose.  not that taking care of littles is purposeless but at the end of the day there's usually not concrete evidence that i've accomplished anything.  and i liked being able to look at my list of things to do and see that i had completed things and was further ahead than where i started the day.  i also liked using my brain in a way that being a stay at home mom doesn't provide for.  all of that to say that i was worried that once i was at home full-time i would feel like i hadn't accomplished anything at the end of the day and therefore would start to go a little crazy.  it's definitely taken some time but i can say that i've gotten used to the idea that taking care of these kids is what i do all day and simply ending the day with everyone fed and relatively happy is somewhat satisfying for me right now.  i definitely miss being a part of the working world, using my brain in a different way, and having people value my opinions on things other than how to wash diapers.  however, at the end of the day i feel satisfied.  i've sort of learned to accept the messes and hold those kids a little longer because before i know it they'll be too big for me to hold and i'll be wishing for these days back.

christmas 2013.

i knew that this holiday season was going to be a little different than in years past both because we were going to have a very new newborn with us and because avery is actually at an age where she can understand and get really excited about christmas.  i am loving the 'almost two' age (usually) because she just gets things now that she hasn't in the past and it makes things a lot more fun.  we knew that we definitely wanted to make the season fun for avery but i also knew that running around and doing a lot of activities wasn't going to happen because ellie was so new and honestly both charlie and i are still adjusting to the lack of sleep.  but because avery is old enough to get the holidays it's also made us think a lot more about how we want to celebrate and what traditions we want to establish.  

avery's really into the christmas decorations this year, which has been really fun.  we tried to involve her as much as possible in decorating since she gets so excited about it.  we broke our previous tradition of decorating for christmas the day after thanksgiving since we were planning on having ellie prior to thanksgiving.  we both knew that decorating with a newborn would be a lot less fun than enjoying the decorations while sitting on a couch with a newborn.  so charlie hung the outside lights at the beginning of november and we put up our inside decorations a week or so before thanksgiving. we've always kept it pretty simple inside (and even with that the clutter of the decorations is beginning to drive me nuts).  avery helped with the tree, although she was in a terrible mood that day so wasn't as into it as she might have been.  she's so cute because every time she sees the outside lights she'll say "daddy hang christmas lights.  thanks dad." and every time she sees the inside lights, like the ones i hung in the playroom she'll say "mommy hang christmas lights.  thanks mom".  it definitely makes decorating worth it to see how excited she still is over these things.  i got her a mini tree for her room and she's still really into holding the ornaments during diaper changes and turning the lights on and off of the tree.

charlie got a train for around the tree this year and she's liked it almost as much as he does.  it's the polar express and it came with the book (now we have two copies) and the bell.  

one of the christmas ideas that seems to be everywhere is the idea of wrapping up 25 christmas books and unwrapping one each day and reading it.  i love that idea but i also love the idea of having all of our christmas books available to read during december.  we read all the time and she's really liked some of the christmas books.  some of her favorites that we read every day are the bearenstein bears christmas tree, the sights and smells of christmas, the polar express, and 'twas the night before christmas.  i think her favorite out of all of them is the bearenstein bears and i've been pretty impressed that she'll sit through the whole book because it's long! and sometimes even ask for it to be read multiple times.  

we sort of do the elf on the shelf tradition.  neither charlie and i are sure if we're going to do the whole santa thing with avery.  i mean she knows who he is but we haven't done the whole concept of santa bringing you presents on christmas.  both of us hate the idea that santa brings you presents if you're good.  mostly, i just don't like the idea of using santa as a bribe or a threat and i don't want her behavior to be tied to some imaginary figure that brings presents.  also, i think that christmas can be pretty magical with or without the big guy in the red suit.  anyway, charlie told her that the elf comes during the holiday season and that he's there to watch over us and make sure that we're safe.  we do attempt to move him once a day although we've both been pretty bad at that but she does look for him and gets excited when he shows up in a different place.  charlie named him buddy last year and she'll tell you that buddy's the elf and he makes sure we're safe.














a few other things that we've done are baking christmas cookies.  avery was really into this and also really, really into eating them in front of the christmas tree.  i love how she gets so excited about little things like that.  we also made a christmas tree out of painters tape and then cut out ornaments for her to put on the tree.  i wasn't sure about this but it was actually a pretty big hit.  my mom did a few crafts with her when she was in town.  they did a foam christmas tree, a rudolph face that had to be glued together, we made another rudolph one day at barnes and noble when they had crafts, and we made snowmen out of foam balls.  avery's really into crafts so all of these were fun, easy activities that made the really cold weather that we've been having not seem so terrible.  

we also watched a christmas movie.  avery's never actually watched a movie before so this was sort of extra special.  we started the grinch for her one night and then she finished it the next morning.  she really liked it and snuggled up with charlie during most of the movie.  i also found the bearenstein bears christmas tree (the book that we read all the time) on youtube and we watched that.  it's a short one (about 20 minutes) and she liked it but it didn't hold her attention nearly as well as the grinch did.  when she gets older i'd love to have friday's during advent be christmas movie nights because there are so many good christmas movies to pick from.





















but mostly we've spent this time just hanging out as a family and wearing a lot of christmas pj's.  avery's been playing a lot, we've been coloring and drawing santas and snowmen, we've been taking turing holding ellie, and just spending this time just enjoying being a family of four.  we'll have visitors the last 2 weeks of december and this time with just the four of us has been really, really nice.  in the future, especially as the kids get older i know we'll be doing more activities, but i hope that we don't get too busy during this season, that we learn to say no to certain things, enjoy time as a family, and focus on family and friends and the time that we spend together.  i feel so incredibly fortunate to have had this time with my family, without charlie traveling, and to have had so much family come and visit us.  it's really been the perfect christmas season. 

a different type of job.

i quit my job today. 

i made the decision that after i have this baby in november (or december) i'll be taking some time off to 'just' be a mom. i can tell you that this was actually a pretty difficult decision and one that i still hope was the right one for me and for our family.  my current working situation is pretty sweet.  i work part-time from home and come into the office about twice a month.  however, avery's at the point where while i'm working she needs more then i can give her and i knew that when we added a baby to the mix there was no way that we could continue with our current situation.  it's actually pretty easy to work from home with a baby.  at least it was in my experience, but the baby toddler combo would not be happening.  i know there's no way that i could give each kid the care they deserve and still produce quality work.  there are also days where i have to be on the phone a lot and that's pretty much the most stressful situation ever.  i usually have the phone on mute except when i'm talking and pray that avery doesn't start screaming.  there have been plenty of times that she has, but for the most part this working situation has allowed me the time with my daughter and the ability to use my brain for things other than grocery lists and nursery decorating ideas.  it's also allowed me to use my masters degree, something that i paid a good chunk of money for and invested a lot of time and effort in.  

however, when it came down to the choice i really think that this was the right decision for us right now, which is why we made it.  for the record, charlie is looking forward to me no longer working as he thinks it will be less stressful and give us all more balance.  there are also a lot of things that i'm looking forward to as well, like being able to breastfeed a baby without pumping (which is the worst in my opinion), not having that constant stress of trying to do two things at once (although i think that this isn't nearly as bad if you aren't simultaneously working and taking care of a baby), being able to get involved in classes and groups, hopefully being able to get more house stuff done during the week so that our weekends can be spent as a family, and being able to spend my time with my kids.  

i'm a little nervous about what this means for me in the future when i decide to return to the workforce, however i'm being kept on retainer at my current company which hopefully will allow me a little bit of work here and there and keep my skills and resume current.  i also worry about getting bored.  i really do love taking care of avery and things around the home, but if i'm being honest it isn't exactly rocket science and i do like using my brain for things other than building block towers.  however, at this point i cannot imagine working full-time in an office and traveling, which is where i would be in my current career had i not made the decision to cut way back when avery was born.  me traveling simply does not work for our family because of how much charlie travels for work right now, not to mention i have no desire to travel or be away from our family for any period of time.  and right now i don't mind going into the office for a few hours a week but if i had to do it monday through friday i would hate it.  so, at the end of november we'll be starting a different chapter for our family and i'm both a little nervous and really excited about it.    

baby things.

the thing that is so awesome about babies is that everyone loves them.  not that everyone loves your child, but that everyone loves the idea of babies.  this was something i really never got until after avery was born.  frankly i thought it was weird when people wanted to talk to me about her, probably partially because i'm from d.c. and we don't make small talk or like strangers.  i was also a little freaked out because we had a baby born in the middle of the winter, in a state where a lot of people don't vaccinate their children, and every night there was something on the news about a pertussis outbreak.  but eventually i got it, people like babies for two reasons: 1. it reminds them of the days when they themselves had a newborn and never slept more than 3 hours at a time and 2. even if they've never had babies themselves they get that this is probably one of the sweetest times in someone's life.  anyway, as a result of all of this people are really nice and make things for your unborn baby.  we have piles and piles of baby blankets that were knit/crocheted for us.  i'm not kidding.  i have a drawer and an entire shelf full of handmade baby blankets.  

however, i don't have any quilts if anyone is reading and feels inspired to make avery a quilt please be my guest.  she likes pink and aqua.

one of my favorite handmade gifts that i got for avery was a hat.  my parents each made avery a hat which i blogged about here.  and she lived in the hat that my dad made her all winter long.  seriously, that hat was awesome and we got so many compliments on it.  guys especially, which is funny to me, would go out of their way to say how cool it was and ask where we got it.  that hat is now, sadly, too small for her.  the hat she's trying so hard to take off in these pictures was from a co-worker.

dad, you should know that avery's still waiting for her hat for this winter.  no pressure or anything.

anyway, i think the whole point of this is that babies are pretty cool in the way that they seem to bring out the nice in people.  it's taken me a while to figure that out, when avery cries in a restaurant or screeches at the top of her lungs for no reason i always look around ready to make a mad dash out of there or at least offer an apology but people don't seem to mind and usually use it as an opening to talk about her or their own babies or grandbabies.  i have a feeling that we're closely nearing the end of the time when being loud in public is still cute and not considered a lapse in parenting on our parts so i should probably enjoy it while it still lasts.  but it's been nice and it's definitely made me more empathetic to other parents.  
    

cloth diapering v.1

6 months and chunky.  a flip cover and small prefold.

i mentioned way back when i was pregnant with avery that we were planning on cloth diapering and then i never said anything else about it.  i figured i would write a bit about what it's been like for us to cloth diaper a breastfed baby.  

i'm going to be completely honest.  i bought a cloth diaper stash, prepped all the diapers before avery came, and then .... didn't start cloth diapering until avery was 3.5 months old.  there were a few reasons for this.  the biggest was that i was nervous about diving into it all:  putting the diapers on, washing them, etc. was all overwhelming and the few times that i had tried when she was younger the diapers looked so big and bulky and just, not right, that i gave up and went back to using disposables.  i finally started because i spent a decent amount of money on the diapers and was beyond annoyed that i was wasting money by not using them.  

when i was pregnant i started researching cloth diapers and found that there were so many different options out there.  i honestly think this is great but also beyond overwhelming when you're trying to look into something.  also, a lot of diapers are expensive (some are over $20 a diaper) and if you've never done it before that can seem like a huge investment to make before you even know if a system is going to work out for you.  in the end i decided to go the cheapest route:  prefolds with PUL covers.  i bought 2 dozen small organic indian unbleached cotton prefolds from green mountain diapers and 6 thirsties duo covers in size one.  this is a way smaller 'stash' that anyone recommends starting out with but it's been the perfect amount for us.  

i hadn't planned on starting cloth diapering until avery's cord fell off and even then because the prefolds are so thick (something i love now) and avery was so tiny, they were huge on her.  i probably should have started with the newborn size or some fitteds, but again i had no idea what i was doing and was trying to save money and not invest in something she could only use for a few weeks.  

about 3.5 months old in a thirsties duo.  so small and so cute!

by the time i started when she was 3.5 months old and probably about 12 pounds the size one thirsties duo's were about maxed out in size.  i looked around for some different covers and ended up finding flips on sale at cotton babies (buy 2 get one free).  i ordered 6 of them and absolutely love them.  the thirsties covers i had were aplix closures and the flips i ordered are snaps and i have to say that i like the snaps much better.  i skip the pins and snappis and just trifold the prefold into the cover and then put the whole thing on like you would a disposable.  the small size refolds are still working really well at this point even though avery's way passed the size recommendation for them.  she's currently still using the middle rise on the flips so we'll see if we have to order some medium prefolds when she moves to the highest rise.    

for us i've found that the cloth diapers fit her better than disposables and we never have leaks or blowout with cloth.  i haven't tried a bunch of disposable brands (we've used 7th generation and earth's best) so there may be some out there that fit her better than the ones we've tried.

once we started the 2 dozen prefolds and 6 covers were more than enough and i do laundry about every third day.  i have two large planet wise wet bag that i throw dirty diapers in and wash with the diapers.  since avery was exclusively breastfed for the first 6 months, laundry was really easy.  i just threw the diaper in the wet bag, no rinsing or spraying necessary, and when laundry time came i dumped everything in the wash for first a cold rinse and then a hot wash with detergent.  as far as detergent goes i never bought special diaper detergent, but just use our regular stuff.  it's perfume and dye free and seems to do a great job of cleaning the diapers.  we've never had staining problems.  i don't dry the covers, but the bag and the prefolds go into the dryer.  

i originally had 3 reasons for cloth diapering.  

1.  it saves money.  

seriously.  a ton of money.  the amount of money i spent on our whole cloth diaper stash i less than it costs us to do 2 months in disposables.  crazy.  

 2.  it's better for the environment.  

i've heard quite a few arguments against this one, the biggest being energy usage.  and while i've never done the math i would say when you look at the energy used to manufacture all of those deposable diapers and then the money to package them and ship them to various stores and then think of the landfill space they're taking up, it really doesn't even seem close.  

3.  it's cotton on my baby.

avery has sensitive skin and had eczema when she was younger.  i think cotton has helped both of those issues.  

eating a peach in telluride.

i will say that we still use a disposable at night and when we travel.  4 days in telluride with no washer and dryer meant we brought a pack of disposables instead of figuring out a way to do cloth.  as far as night goes i just haven't quite ventured into that world yet.  i've looked at a lot of options and i haven't moved forward with anything yet.  i'm not ruling it out, but i'm not sure what direction we're going to go.  also, sometimes clothes are difficult to fit over the diaper.  certain brands are better and i actually think that boys clothes are better than girls.  whoever decided that babies should wear skinny jeans never had one.  summer is great because dresses and one-pieces are really easy and work well with cloth diapers.  plus, the diapers look pretty cute under a dress.  pants are the hardest and i have shopped in the boys section just to get wider pants.  

overall, i still get annoyed when i think that it took me so long to jump into cloth diapering but i've really enjoyed doing it.  while it's worked out for us, i think part of the reason that it's been successful is that we don't feel pressure to do it 100% of the time.  sometimes i don't get a chance to wash the diapers one night because i pick sleep over laundry and she spends a few hours the next day in disposables and that's fine with me.  i figure each diaper i do is making a difference but using a disposable is just fine, too.  

to my baby's daddy ...

this may be a little late but i think you should know how lucky avery is to have you as a dad.  i know you sometimes think that you're not the best at this, like when avery is crying and refusing to nap.  but you're pretty darn good.  trust me, she loves you.  she breaks out in a huge smile when you come home and when she sees you in the morning and when you do all of those goofy things just to make her laugh.  i love watching her with you.  watching you guys play together and you teach her things.  i can't wait for the next few years as she grows up and you guys can do even more things together.  i love that when i'm at work i know you're taking good care of her and that you guys are spending some time together just the two of you.  she's obviously gotten a lot from you, as she still looks like a mini-you and i love that she has your eyes.  and i hope as time goes on she gets other things from you, too.  like your willingness to help others,  or your enthusiasm and commitment and determination, and your moral compass.  and i really hope she inherits your inability to lie because that would really be helpful during those teenage years.  anyway, don't fool yourself.  you're a great role model and a great dad.  i've loved taking this journey into parenthood with you; it's been by far the best thing we've done.      

i figured i would write this here because we said we weren't doing cards.  or rather i said that and you said 'whatever you want' because i know you've never really seen the point in them.  but i thought you should know this.  and if you're ever having doubts you can come back and read this instead of having to dig up a dusty old card.

happy father's day.  (a week late)