work.

i have about 2 weeks before i start back to work and i'm not at all ready for it. when i think of dropping my baby off at daycare i start crying, which is one of the reasons that i try not to think about it so much.  i have sort of irrational worries that when she's there she'll be crying and no one will pick her up for hours, or she'll be hungry and they won't feed her or change her, etc..  when i'm thinking logically i know that we chose a good place with a good reputation and good people.  however, when i think about the ratio of 4 babies to 1 adult i know that there will be times that she doesn't get her needs met since there's really no possible way for 1 person to attend to 4 kids at once.  

i know that i really have no choice and i need to just stuck it up and make the best of it, but i haven't quite gotten to that point yet.  

i haven't started pumping and honestly the only reason why is that i'm sort of in denial that i won't be able to be the person to always feed her.  i'm also a little worried that once she starts taking a bottle she'll want that exclusively which would sort of break my heart since i absolutely love feeding her.  also, i would really like to make it a year of exclusively breast feeding and i know if she decides to only take bottles it would make this a pretty difficult goal.

i'm also not in love with my job. i know, who is, but it makes it harder knowing that i'll be sitting in a cubicle doing boring work and counting down the hours until i can pick her up.  i realized this could be partially resolved by finding a job that i'm actually passionate about but i don't really know if this even exists.  i think work will always just be work to me.  i got an email from my boss a few days ago and it just reminded me of how boring my job really is.  

mostly though, i just don't want to go back because i know that i'll miss her like crazy.  i mean i miss her now when she's sleeping.  i wake up in the middle of the night before she does and look forward to her waking up so that i can hold her.  making it 8 hours a day is going to be hard when 4 hours when i'm sleeping is about my max right now.  

i know i should focus on the positive things, like the fact that i have a job, i'm going back part time at first and therefore the transition should be easier, and she should only be in daycare 3 days a week.  i just wish my time off wasn't going by so fast and even though it has, she still seems like such a tiny baby to me, which makes it harder to imagine dropping her off with strangers for an entire day.